I mentioned the ergonomic joystick type mouse on facebook this week. It took me about one day to get use to the change in mouse type, and now it is easier to operate than a standard mouse, for me at least. Because of the lesion on my spine at certain vertebra with names I can't remember :) the nerves in my arms and legs are effected. (I can tell you the name of my computer hardware, but not the name of my vertebras. Lol.
3M Wireless Ergonomic Mouse, Large Size, Black www.amazon.com
The thumb push button allows easier control with less pain in my arm and neck.
I have always preferred being comfortable to pain. Go figure. I don't think that is an uncommon thing for most people. But, some types of pain are harder to manage. More specifically, mental, inside-your-head type pain. I've been having bad dreams off and on. I may have mentioned them before, but they are just the recreation type dreams where I relive scenarios on my path to disability that weren't pleasant. More specifically, they were reenactments of trying to perform on the job after the first two surgeries and finding my employer not satisfied. This is a horrible feeling and so hard to describe.
Let me say here in all fairness that I know what good job performance looks like. I realize I wasn't able to continue teaching now. I didn't then, and I was just doing what anyone would do in that circumstance, trying to hold on to all I ever knew... a job. I knew what excellent job observations were, and I still have copies of all of them. I also knew what it felt like to leave a job with excellent references headed for the next. But, a stack of papers doesn't erase the dreams or the feelings of worthlessness that sometimes wake me up feeling nauseaus over a dream of poor performance ratings. It's not a good feeling. But, I believe this too shall pass.
I can say this with faith, because I gave the pain of not being able to ride my bikes anymore to God, and I have found such a peace from that. Early this week, I notified the cycling clubs in Rome, Calhoun, and Summerville to take me off their email lists. This was a concession that was needed, because it released me from the weekly reminders of the rides I couldn't be a part of and I find I already feel tremendously "better" in my spirit about the cycling thing.
As my friends at church know, Larry took me shopping the weakend before my birthday/Thanksgiving for new clothes to fit after all the body changes, diet changes, steroids, junk food binges, loss of exercise routine, etc. Now I'm not wearing my son Travis' tee shirts. :)
There are so many positive changes that make pain easier to accept on a physical level. I don't know why the mental anguish from one bad observation/probation event can be so hard to deal with, but I know that God has all things in His control. I try to focus on the fact that approval is only needed from God.
2 Corinthians 13:6-7 But I trust that you shall know that we are not
counterfeits. Now I pray to God that you do no evil; not that we should appear
approved, but that you should do that which is honest, though we be as failures.
For we can do nothing against the truth, but for the truth. For we are glad,
when we are weak, and you are strong: and this also we wish, even your
We are never failures as long as we have done our best. I don't have to allow the stinging words of one person to tell me who I am, for I know that in Christ, I am a Champion. Someone...I can't remember who, told me about this very situation that there are some people that you do not want to please. Their approval would be a bad thing to have. That is something I am trying to grasp on a heart level, not just mentally.
Romans 8:37-39 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors
through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor
angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creation, shall be able to separate us from
the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Now that I have turned this over to God, I don't expect anymore bad dreams. Yes, I have written this to instruct myself. I don't have a problem with that. I only hope that... no I am sure that...there is someone else who needs to hear the same thing. May God richly bless you with the only approval that you need.