refuses to be healed? will you be altogether unto me as a deceitful brook, and
as waters that fail? Therefore thus says the LORD, If you return, then will I
bring you again, and you shall stand before me: and if you take forth the
precious from the vile, you shall be as my mouth: let them return unto you; but
return not you unto them.
I didn't think it was possible to hurt any worse than I did when I went to bed last night... until this morning when I woke up. I've been dragging myself around all weekend unpacking between rest breaks. The good thing about unpacking is that you can do it sitting. And, no matter how many breaks you take, you still get a lot accomplished because every box counts. You feel like you've accomplished a great deal if you get 5 boxes emptied.
I am struggling with unpacking, washing, and putting away all the dishes, utensils, and silverware. There just seems to be more than I remembered owning. But, then my husband comes home with another load of boxes, and I see his face and it keeps me going. Funny how love can make your heart do flips even through pain.
I found this passage above while looking for something to chase the pain pills I had with breakfast. Funny how medicine can help your body, but not your emotional ability to deal with the pain. It takes a lot of love, and Scripture for that. And, encouraging words from my son. But, I noticed that Jeremiah was talking about incurable pain. And, God answered him gently and gracously, despite his fraility and apparent doubt. But, I was wondering at the purpose for all this pain, thinking there has to be a purpose, though I couldn't imagine what it might be at the moment. The words in the verse, "take forth the precious from the vile" jumped out at me. Yes, pain is a vile thing, and leaves physical and emotional scars.
I just looked at the technician in silence recently when she was warning me before she inserted the steroid infusion IV that it would give me stretch marks, and make the ones I had more pronounced. I was thinking, "and...what's your point? She apparantly had no idea about all the scars. What's a few stretch marks matter now? Perspective changes everything. I knew ladies at the gym with hard, tight, perfect bodies, or so it seemed in to me, even in the dressing room. But, candid discussions, revealed that the purpose of multiple tattoos was often to hide stretch marks on their perfect bodies. I couldn't believe this. Even beautiful women found imperfections on their bodies. We can never be satisfied can we?
So, I am stretching this out too long. But, writing helps me focus. I realized again in the verse that I find there is much that is precious that I can salvage from the midst of all my pain. I am familiar with loss. I often felt like I had reached for so many of the stars, and watched many of them slip through my fingers. When I opened my hands and saw what remained clutched inside, I told my boys they were the remaining stars...the best remains with us. All that matters remains with us.
I find within my pain that my Soul is synthesized and made whole. When I was younger, I felt so fragmented. That changed in the last decade and a half through prayer and following God through His Word. But, the last two years of disability and pain has been like cement, setting and hardening all that I have become in God, into a solid thing. I found myself in the middle of a row of stumblingblocks at one point, in Spiritual pain. I knew I was sliding into the abyss, but I held on and waited for God to save me, instead of giving in and letting go of God. Sometimes, that is all we can do, hold on.