I thought about them after service started. There was a huge crowd that day for the Memorial service. I sent my son to look for them, hoping I had dropped them in the car door or floorboard, since I have trouble getting out of the car. He came back without them. I've never been much of a "jewelry person." I used to wear a sports watch but got out of the habit of that except when I was running or swimming laps. I do like lapel pins and rings with meaning...which my wedding rings were of course. But, I was suddenly so upset and about in tears at the thought of them being gone possibly forever...it was a heart sickening thought.
I don't know what came over me. Before I knew it, I left church to look in the parking lot, before too much more time had passed to ever find them. I couldn't find them in the car. I even looked under cars. Of course, by then I was so upset that I went home in tears by myself. When my husband got home, I thought I was so unhappy I would never be able to get over it. I couldn't speak from the sadness. I couldn't accept this seemingly small loss. Amazingly, this bothered me more than any of the "losses" I felt I have had in the past two years. That surprised me. More than the five surgeries, the scars, the weight gain, the loss of my career, friends, income, all the pain...
I felt like I couldn't bear this loss. It overwhelmed me. My husband looked at me silently for a bit. Then he just began to comfort me and reminded me of how much I love him and how much he loves me. It made me realize something I had forgotten. I had his rings because he loved me...not the other way around. Its easy to confuse the gift with the giver. The same can be true with God. We mistake His gifts for the love He gave them with. Those signs...trinkets of His love... become dear to us because of who gave them to us. But, sometimes we forget that the gift is not what we are in love with.
Saturday, our church had many more people there for the citywide yard sale, with vendors set up all around the walking track. I wasn't able to go, but I thought about my rings, and hoped for the slim chance of them being found. Near the end of the Yardsale, I got a phonecall letting me know they had been found there in the parking lot, and they were fine. I got them back Sunday morning. But, I also have the reminder that God's love is not dependant on my visible blessings. He loves me...period. I don't need any visible "signs" of His love. He loves me when I am blind with pain. He was blessing me when the Fitness Manager from my gym called to tell me I won the Fitness Challenge Grand prizes. And, he was blessing me when my nurse ordered me a walker to get around this week. He created my body whole before I knew I was His child. Now that my body is broken and damaged, I am still His child. None of these things are based on signs or blessings.
1st John 4:12 We can't see God. But, we can see His love if we love others. 1 John 3:1 The greatest gift He has given us is calling us His children. 1 John 3:16 The only real sign" of God's love is his death on the cross. If you know He died for you then you know He loves you. That is enough.